Tan Lines

Post number two and we are going deep!!

This is a tough post to write.  

I am torn as I really want to get this on paper before the memory fades away but it is a challenge to share the content!  As you will shortly see, at face value it is a bit embarrassing but sometimes you need a little bit of a shock to spring you into action and a shock I did receive.  

For the past few weeks I have been trying to process a really odd but somewhat insightful dream that I had.  Not only was the content and some of the insights odd but the mere fact that I remember the dream itself was out of the ordinary.  

See it is rare for me to remember my dreams.  It is rare to the point that over the past decade I could count on one hand the number of recalled dreams that I have had.  Now according to the psychic that I recently gave ten dollars to, this is due to a spiritual blockage of my third eye, but I digress.  Never the less, this dream was so real and so stuck in my mind upon awaking that I had to share it with my wife.  She immediately started laughing and then looked the meaning up which we will get into shortly.  I also met with my best friend then next day and told him, to which his response was similar to the Mrs. 

What is this dream of which I keep dancing around?  Well let’s get into it.

I remember being someplace warm on a beach.  I am surrounded by people and I am having a fantastic time.  There is music and drinks and I am filled with joy and freedom without a stress in the word.  

I am present and happy. 

I am also thin.  

Like really thin, model thin; and tan, bronzy tan.  It is nice.  I am enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin and in the midst of this immersion of pleasure I look down at my lean arms glistening with the first beads of sweat and a thought hits me.  

All of the joy leaves me in an instant as I realize what I have done and what is going to happen the next day.  I can feel the judgment.  The loss of face and the embarrassment because everyone will know.  They will know what I am and the mask will have been ripped away.  In that moment of realization, I am jettisoned from Eden and I am panic stricken with shame and dread.  

That is when I wake up. Heart racing, panic and shame slowly ebbing as I become conscious; but it does not fully leave as I see the truth of what my subconscious has shown me.

Pretty crazy right!  

Well, there is more. Here we go.

The odd part of the dream was not just how thin I was, but rather how I was dressed.  Instead of shorts I had on a sarong and instead of a t-shirt I had on a bikini top.  Yep you read that correctly, a bikini top.  

I am not sharing this as a function of comic relief.  It is the key to story.  

See in my reverie and bliss, I thought about how tan I was.  Which led to thoughts of tan lines and then onto how I had a work event at a beach/pool the next day and I would not have a shirt on….  

You see where this is going? 

The entire train of thought took less than a second, but then BAM!  They are going to know!  My bikini tan line is going to be obvious as hell and my bullshit façade will be ripped away.  I will be exposed and vulnerable.  

Don’t get this wrong, I wasn’t embarrassed about how I was dressed.  Honestly, in the dream and upon waking strangely enough there was no shame associated with my attire.  I wasn’t suddenly unsure of my sexuality or anything along those line.   The fear was centered on being exposed, unmasked.  I was panic stricken at the thought that people would see the real me.  They would see the real me and they would laugh.  I would be the butt of a joke. 

“See,” they would say, “he isn’t (insert a slew of preferred adjectives)!! What a (insert second list of undesired terms and adjectives)!”  

People who know me know that I can’t watch a scene in a movie or show when someone is going to get embarrassed or caught doing something.  I squirm in my seat and look away or change the channel as the discomfort of the impending event fill me.  I hate it.  

It reminds me of a book by Stephen Pressfield called Last of the Amazons.  In it, the Amazonians look away when someone loses face as they can’t bear to see it and they don’t want to add to it by increasing the number of witnesses to the event.  

That is how I feel, I look away.  

However, in this case I couldn’t look away.  I saw it clear in my mind and unfortunately the recipient of scorn cannot be spared by shifting their own eyes.  The scene was going to happen, laugh track and all, ready to hit just before the next commercial break.

Back to reality.

After wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes and making me swear that I was not going to ditch the family and run off in high heels, the Mrs. went straight to google.  What she found was very interesting.  According to mydreammeanings.com: 

“Cross dressing in general, symbolizes the idea and need for change within oneself.”

 “Cross dressing is a conflict between what you are now, and what you want to become. Your dream and your conscious is at a crossroad between what you struggle to make yourself appear as, and what you really are inside. When you dream, your body is telling you that you can’t try and be someone who you’re not.  You can’t hide or shelter who you truly are, you must embrace it an allow yourself to be content the way you act and feel.” 

I knew in my gut there was something to this dream and this bit of insight cemented it.  I have felt for some time that there is a disconnection between my inner self and my outer life.  I can’t really point to it or clearly lay it out as I am at a loss as to what my inner self is.  

I can’t point to “My Why” or my purpose.  What is my mission? No idea.  What is my passion?  Besides shots of tequila, I don’t really know.  

This first became a thorn in my side as I entered the endearing world of the multilevel marketing side hustle.  You know, that thing that your friend starts doing and it drives you crazy on social media. Well I tried my hand at it and it was okay, but to cut through the bullshit, the people who are successful are spending a ton of time on it and they generally manage their social connections around their business.  In a word it is work, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Back to the point of the post.

A major tool in the tool box is to post “Your Why”.  Why are you selling essential oils/make up/supplements?  Show a picture of the kids you want to be home with or the attractive partner that you want to retire early so you can travel together.  How about the parent that you want to pay back for all the love and support received by paying off their house.  Share about how you just want to make enough money be able to go on a date night with your spouse so you can split a milkshake. I could never really do it, my Why was a bit muddled.  At its core, I think it is freedom but that is a bit intangible and hard to communicate. In reality, my Why is because I haven’t won the lottery yet.  I hit that thing and my ass is gonna look like Sylvester Stallone at the end of Escape to Victory!  Dancing around all odd and ecstatic.  

In fact, that is a common daydream of mine.  Not being a POW goalie in Nazi Germany, but rather winning the lottery.  I win the lottery and I can wear what I want.  I can do what I want when I want.  I don’t really want a lot of stuff, although there are some cool things I would get.  I want to be free of debt.  Free of decisions, some good and some bad, that I am still paying off.  I want to be free to be me.  Me without the ramifications.  Without the fear of not being able to pay bills or provide for my family.   I want to ditch the yolk. I want to be yolkless, even if that is itself a fantasy.

So, there it is.  

In my dream, I was filled with joy from being my authentic and true self but I supported my life in a manner that is separate from my authenticity.  It is separate and I perceive it to be counter to my earning persona.  Because it was separate, I believed that any attempt to reconcile the two halves would result in my earning half to collapse. 

But that may not be true. 

I didn’t make it to the next day in my dream so I don’t know for sure what would have happened.  Maybe everyone would have been dressed the same as I was and in the place of shame there would have been good music and tequila shots! Now that would have been a great dream. 

It is clear to me that there is something going on in this little head of mine, but first I need to dig a bit.  I need to find my inner sarong and bikini.  Once I have that I can work on the courage to wear it out.  

Oh, and I also need to get thin.